650 With all HHP

Feeling Better After My First Chemotherapy and Neulasta

Do you like my new hairdo?

650 CR Short hair

After Eric cut my long hair.

Well, the next one will be super cool—Sinéad O’Connor style.

It was time to cut my hair after my first chemotherapy.

650 My long hair

I love having a long hair, but it was time to say “good bye”.

 

650 Cut my long hair

Eric cut my long hair – it was uneven, but no big deal.

I finished my first round of chemotherapy for cancer of Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma (DLBCL) Primary non-Hodgkin of Liver, stage IV.

After the chemothrapy I had 10 days of serious bone pain from Neulasta shot (to help white blood cell level) side effects, I was alive again.
I still have some side effects from chemothreapy; fingers and toes have nerve and muscle problems such as numbness, tingling, and pain. Kidney pain and feeling fatigues, but alomost no bone pain.
I really wanted to be in my garden to plant sunflower seeds so here I was went to outside finally. I am hoping the seed will gieve the flowers bloom and I can see them from my bedroom window.

 

650 In my garden

Feel so good to be in my garden to plant sunflower seeds.

 

650 With catapilar

Caterpillar ate all my fennel.

 

I am supposed to have six EPOCH + Rituximab chemotherapy treatments, but I did not decide to take all six yet. I am going to take one more for sure on June 19th, 2017 and take a PET/CT scan test to see if Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma (DLBCL) Primary non-Hodgkin of Liver got shrunk or not.

 

Right now, I just want to enjoy my day, plant sunflower seeds, and be with my family again.

 

650 Mai Mai & Tin Tin

Being with my beloved cat family: Mai Mai (black) and Tin Tin (orange)

 

 

650 With Eric & HHP

Enjoy being with my Eric and dog family.

 

Beautiful day to just enjoy!

 

Thank you for your prayers and continuous support!

We are grateful and invite you to help us at this time by YouCaring Fundraisng to Support Sanae’s Recovery from Cancer or purchasing our books directly from us to cover my medical expenses.

Here are our books:

 

Love, Sanae

Love-Sanae-front-cover

 

Love, Eric and Sanae

love-es-front-cover

 

Love, Eric Revised

love-eric-revised-the-front-cover

 

Healthy Happy Pooch

HHP-book-front-cover

 

My mailing address for sending your card, gift or check:

2610A 23rd St.

Santa Monica, CA 90405

 

I will not be able to personally reply to each person, but I promise I will read everyone’s messages, emails, and cards.

Love, Sanae 💖

 

650 persimon green

Side Effects of Chemotherapy and Neulasta

I came home after seven days at the UCLA Medical Center in Santa Monica.
There, I received five days of EPOCH + Rituximab chemotherapy for cancer of Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma (DLBCL) Primary non-Hodgkin of Liver, stage IV after I was told I had “weeks to live.” I wrote about it on my blog, “Only Weeks to Live” and “My First Chemotherapy.”

I was so happy to leave the hospital even all the nurses, staff and doctors were nice.

It was sunset time, so I asked Eric to drive along the beach. It was such a big, beautiful sunset, right on time. The smell of the ocean gave me proof of my living. Thank you!

650 After hospital

 

I came home and smelled my garden when I opened the gate. The trees and flowers all welcomed me.

650 persimon green

My persimmon tree welcomed me!

 

Then, I saw my dogs and cats family.
I was surprised to see that they were quiet.
They all smelled me and walked away; they must have smelled the chemotherapy. Usually they get so excited when I come home from a trip, but not this time. Even the most excitable dog, Happy, just came and put her head on my knee.
I told each of them, “Thank you for being so good while I was in the hospital. I am back and so happy to see all of you!”

They were happy, and at the same time, they said they wanted to respect my healing space, so they would be quiet. I could not believe how they understand so much.

 

650 Tin & Mai

Mai Mai (left) and Tin Tin (right)

 

650 Oro-Bubu-Leo

Oro, Bubu and Leo

 

I realy wanted to take a shower or bath, but I have the PICC line on my left arm, so it is not easy to take them. I also felt very tired so I decided to just do a foot bath. It helped me and

It helped me and I slept so well the first night, compared to the hospital (there was so often nurses, doctors or someone was coming to my room check my tempreture, blood pressure and take blood etc.), even though everyone was nice It not easy to sleep there at all.

 

Here is a list of common side effects of most of chemotherapy that I was told:
    • Fatigue. This is a persistent feeling of physical, emotional, or mental exhaustion. …
    • Pain. Chemotherapy sometimes causes these types of pain:
    • Mouth and throat sores and pain with swallowing
    • Fever.
    • Diarrhea.
    • Nausea and vomiting.
    • Constipation.
    • Blood disorders.
    • Hair loss
    • Easy bruising and bleeding
    • Infection
    • Anemia (low red blood cell counts)
    • Appetite changes
    • Nerve and muscle problems such as numbness, tingling, and pain
    • Skin and nail changes such as dry skin and color change
    • Urine and bladder changes and kidney problems
    • Weight changes
    • Chemo brain, which can affect concentration and focus
    • Mood changes
    • Changes in libido and sexual function
    • Fertility problems
    • and more

What do I need to know about side effects?

  •  Every person doesn’t get every side effect, and some people getEvery person doesn’t get every side effect, and some people get few, if any.
  • The severity of side effects (how bad they are) varies greatly from person to person. Be sure to talk to your cancer care team about which side effects are most common with your chemo, how long they might last, how bad they might be, and when you should call the doctor’s office about them.
  • Your doctor may give you medicines to help prevent certain side effects before they happen.
  • Some chemo drugs cause long-term side effects, like heart or nerve damage or fertility problems. Still, many people have no long-term problems from chemo. Ask your doctor if the chemo drugs you’re getting have long-term effects.

More info: American Cancer Society Site.

 

I woke up with my body trying to push out toxins. I had a headache, my hair was letting me know I had to wash my hair. Eric helped me wach my hair and I was so happy!

650 Washed my hair

My hair and I were so happy after washed my hair.

 

I had uncomfotableness in my stomach and experienced body twitching.  I was also nervous about getting the Neulasta shot that I had to go the next day, so I did not sleep well.

Neulasta shot

Nervous about getting the Neulasta shot…no smile.

Neulasta shot garden

Beautiful garden view from the Neulasta shot room.

 

The Neulasta shot was easer than I thought and the room had beautiful garden view helped me even I was not able to smile from headach I had already.

After the shot I did not feel much different, but at night I woke up with dry mouth and a lot of pain on my backbone a few times. By the morning, I had so much pain all over my bones, which I never expected. We humans have so many bones in our bodies. You can imagine if all of them were in pain at the same time. My body was screaming!

 

Other side effects included stomach discomfort, constipation ( I had bowel movement, but it was not easy like used to be and the Neulasta made more difficult) numbness of the fingertips —first the index fingers, and now all of them (also toes), a strange vaginal odor, hemorrhoids (just swelling), right side kidney pain. On my skin, I had spots (look like bruises or burns) along my spine; a birthmark/burn-type mark over my liver; and peeling skin on my hips, down to my thighs—more on the right side. Everything tasted bitter and metallic. I could not sleep at all because of the pain.

650 Spine spots

Mark on liver

 

What do I do?

Just breathe and be me—that’s all I could do.

After the fourth day of Neulasta, I had a little fever, and the pain was not going anywhere. I did not know about Neulasta, so it took me by surprise to experience this much pain, which wiped me out for 10 days. I could not move or talk much.

Neulasta wiped me out

So much bone pain – Neulasta shot wiped me out.

 

The only way I felt better was when Eric pushed on each bone, as gentle Shiatsu helped the pain. Also, when I received moxibustion on my bones, it helped.

Otherwise, I laid down and closed my eyes and I was just breathing and being me.

Clsed my eyed laid down

Just close my eyes and being me!

 

After one week, I am glad that I finally have a little less pain and I was able to eat.

650 Eating

Eating my brown rice miso porridge.

 

I had a good morning and all my dog family came to see me in my bed room. I love them so much and enjoy being with them again.

650 With HHP

Enjoying being my dog family again.

 

Thank you for your prayers and continuous support!

We are grateful and invite you to help us at this time by YouCaring Fundraisng to Support Sanae’s Recovery from Cancer or purchasing our books directly from us to cover my medical expenses.

Here are our books:

Love, Sanae

Love-Sanae-front-cover

 

Love, Eric and Sanae

love-es-front-cover

 

Love, Eric Revised

love-eric-revised-the-front-cover

 

Healthy Happy Pooch

HHP-book-front-cover

 

My post mailing address for sending your card, gift or check:

2610A 23rd St.

Santa Monica, CA 90405

 

I will not be able to personally reply to each person, but I promise I will read everyone’s messages, emails, and cards.

Love, Sanae 💖

 

To be continued: Feeling Better After Chemotherapy and Neulasta

650 Walk

My First Chemotherapy

After I was diagnosed only weeks to live because of cancer of Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma (DLBCL) Primary non-Hodgkin of Liver, stage IV. I had to be hospitalized right a way by a wheelchair since I was not able to walk anymore.

My first two days at the UCLA Medical Center in Santa Monica, I had to have more tests to make sure my body was strong and suitable to take EPOCH + Rituximab chemotherapy (five days chemotherapy for 24 hours a day).

There were so many blood tests, and they pricked my vein totally 12 times the first day. I was dehydrated, and it was not easy to find a good vein. They put on a temporary PICC line finally the next day, so they would not have to poke so many of my veins anymore.

650 PICC Temp

Temporary PICC line

 

It was incredible to find out that the PET/CT scan test showed ovarian cancer from 24 years ago, as well as heart and lung damage from my car crash 16 years ago. I had to take the ultra sound of my heart to make sure my heart is strong enough for the chemo. I have hepatitis C, and they told me I need to treat it once I get better from Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma (DLBCL) Primary non-Hodgkin of Liver. They wanted to make sure I do not have hepatitis B, because if I have it, then I would not be able to get chemotherapy. I did not ask why, but the test showed I did not have hepatitis B.

 

PICC line

PICC line for chemo

 

The Rituximab chemo was scheduled to start late Sunday afternoon, just before sunset. I got permission to go outside into the hospital courtyard with Eric and my friend Nancy before the Rituximab chemo.  I thought I even had time to go home to see my dogs and cats family, but Eric and Nancy would not risk taking me

When I came to the hospital I was too weak and I was not able to walk, but can you believe that I was able to walk after two days in the hospital with the fluid to revers my acidic condition to more alkaline? I was greatful to the modern western medicine to help me.

I thought even had time to go home to see my dogs and cats family, but Eric and Nancy would not risk taking me home. They convinced me not to leave the hospital so I wouldn’t miss the chemo. I made a little laughing remark, “What a treasure to have my husband Eric and friend Nancy, who are more conscious than I, so I would not miss the chemo, hahaha!”

So, what did I do?

I walked around the courtyard and practiced yoga on the grass.

What a beautiful feeling, and the smell of ocean breath (the UCLA Medical Center in Santa Monica was on 16th and Arizona St. so close enough from the ocean), earth and grass. I was ready to receive chemo.

650 Yoga before Chemo

Yoga before chemotherapy

 

When I came back to the room, my nurse said, “You are back!.”

I said to her, “You must have trained my husband and friend so I could not even leave the hospital.”

“They were well trained,” she said. “By the way, I heard that someone was doing yoga in the courtyard. It must be you!”

I had just been down in the courtyard, and another nurse had seen me and told her. I said, “I can’t believe you already know that I was doing yoga.”

“Of course,” she said, smiling. “I think only you would do yoga in the courtyard before chemotherapy.”

 

I prepared my room by hanging my crystal balls on the medicine hanger and by the window, set my healing gemstones and aromatherapy diffuser with Bach Flower Rescue Remedy Club Apple and essential oil of frankincense (frankincense supports liver).

650 Shelf

My hospital room shelf

I also put on the shelf a photo of Eric and the dogs to make me feel good about starting chemotherapy. I was not sure what all the nurses and doctors might say about it, but believe it or not, all the nurses loved my crystals, gemstones, and aromatherapy diffuser. They all wanted to come to heal themselves.

 

My nurse said Rituximab usually takes four to five hours for most people, but my doctors planned for 12 hours for me. I reacted to the Benadryl (they use it before Rituximab). It was a very scary feeling of my veins moving all over; at the same time, I felt drowsy and could not even move and talk clearly.

650 Benadry reaction

Reaction to the Benadryl shot- I had to closed my eyes for while

I FaceTimed Eric and told him what was happening he quickly show me how my animal family were doing at home, which helped me so much. I was not scared anymore.

 

I did not have many side effects, except a little itchiness on my left hand. Just being in the hospital was not easy. I missed the smell of my house, Eric, my dog and cat family, and the garden of trees and flowers. I made sure to meditate, even though I was lying down. I made my first day chemo!

 

EPOCH chemo started next day of late Monday afternoon. It was an orange color, like sunset. I said to a nurse that it is a beautiful color, so I know it will help me heal. She said, “I never thought of the color of chemotherapy liquid as beautiful. I wish all the patients were positive like you.” I just wanted to feel good in me before this chemical was going to be inside me.

Orange chemo

EPOCH chemo. liquid

It was smooth sailing in the beginning, but I felt very heavy and dark as the night got deeper. When I closed my eyes I saw the deepest dark (more darker than black) with orange speckles moving so quickly all over. It was so scary and unbearable feeling, like an intruder was coming into my body slowly and could destroy me. I had to hold the tube of orange chemo liquid in my hand, and I started to talk: I know you can help me, but I am feeling very heavy and dark right now, since I do not know you yet. Please help me to heal, but do not destroy my good cells. I know you can do it.

 

I also repeated the Serenity Prayer over and over:

God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change…
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

And also said,

This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass…….

 

By morning, I had minor reactions—a little stomach discomfort, nausea and constipation—but my blood test showed that I did pretty well with my first day of EPOCH. I thanked to orange chemo liquid.

 

I noticed that I gained some weight from the fluid they had been giving me; overall, I gained 10 pounds in water content over three days. As you see the photos I looked very good.

I did a body scrub every morning, but I felt it was not enough. So after meditation, I did some gentle yoga and massaged my legs and feet. I walked/marched after breakfast and lunch, which made me happy and gave also a smile to people who passed me. Doing all these things made me able to not have blood clot shots everyday or have to take laxatives and a few other medications.

 

650 Walk

My walk/march after breakfast and lunch (you can see her crystals on the medicine hanger)

 

Meanwhile, my friends were coming to see me almost every day. Sally and Giorgio came to offer Reiki. Eric made breakfast before he went to work every monring at 6am, and Amanda brought it for me. Eric did not have to work in the afternoon, so he brought my lunch and dinner, and he ate my hospital vegan burger and salad, etc. After dinner, we watched Japanese Grand Sumo every night before he went back home. We did our best to make my chemotherapy week as like a vacation the best I could have.

 

650 Dinner with Eric

 

Of course, I cried several times and did not want to be there at all. But I looked at the sky from my small window—every time, either clouds or birds were entertaining me to lift up my pain. One time I saw Kula (my dog daughter who passed last year); she was waiting for me to get better so she can come back to be with me. She said, The promise is, I am coming there, so you are not coming here.

650 Window 05-24-17

 

Another incident that happened was that one day, before I was coming home, I was not feeling so well—I think I was just getting tired of being in the hospital and trying to keep my positivity high. I finished my meditation, body scrub, yoga, massaging my feet, and listening to my morning music, but it was not right. I was feeling low. A cleaning woman came into my room (usually it was a man), and she asked if it was all right for her to clean the room. I said, “Of course.” She went to the bathroom first and then cleaned the floor, etc. Before she left, I said, “Thank you.”

She said, “I am honored to clean your room. Everyone said your room is healing. I was so happy when I found out I was assigned to clean your room today. Your room smells so nice and feels good.”

I could not believe what I heard. I asked right away what her name was, and she said it was Rosarba. I asked her where she was from, and she said Guadalajara, Mexico. I told her I was so happy to meet her and that she was able to come to my room. She smiled.

After she left my room, I cried.

Why? I am not sure, but I felt that my existence was validated by this woman who came from Guadalajara, Mexico. Does that make sense? It did to me!

Whatever it was, I was able to make it another day in the hospital and complete my first chemotherapy.

 

Thank you for your prayers and continuous support.

We are grateful and invite you to help us at this time by YouCaring Fundraisng to Support Sanae’s Recovery from Cancer or purchasing our books directly from us to cover my medical expenses.

Here are our books:

Love, Sanae

Love-Sanae-front-cover

 

Love, Eric and Sanae

love-es-front-cover

 

Love, Eric Revised

love-eric-revised-the-front-cover

 

Healthy Happy Pooch

HHP-book-front-cover

 

My post mailing address for sending your card, gift or check:

2610A 23rd St.

Santa Monica, CA 90405

 

I will not be able to personally reply to each person, but I promise I will read everyone’s messages, emails, and cards.

Love, Sanae 💖

 

To be continued: Side Effects of Chemotherapy and Neulasta Wiped Me Out.

 

 

650 Sky & clouds

Only Weeks to Live

After a CT scan, biopsy, and one more test to do—a PET/CT scan—I was going to decide what kind of treatment to do for the cancer I was diagnosed Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma (DLBCL) Primary non-Hodgkin of Liver, stage IV.

650 After biopcy

Biopsy: Two areas of the liver

I was already so weak from the CT scan test and biopsy procedure (I had so much pain after biopcy). I was not able to take the PET/CT scan test as I’d planned, but finally I got strong enough to go on April 27. I am very sensitive to chemicals, synthetic medicines, household products and skin products, so it is a challenge for me to take any test at hospitals or clinics.

Everytime I had to take CT or PET scan I had to drink a liquid that contains either barium or a substance called Gastrografin (diatrizoate meglumine and diatrizoate sodium liquid). Barium and Gastrografin are both chemicals that help doctors get better images of my stomach and bowels. Barium has a chalky taste and texture. They had natural flavor one, but it was artificial flavor of course and I had to drink two bottle of 450ml. I felt vomiting, but nothing comes up since I had to fasting for 20 hours.

One of the two barium sulfate containers I need to drink before my CT scan

Photo: One of the two barium sulfate containers I need to drink before my CT/PET scan

When a nurse put iodine into my vein, I felt a sensation of pain all over my body. I felt that I needed a human touch, so I had to ask him to hold my hand. He looked at me first like, What are you asking me? That is not in my job description. But he held on to a few of my fingers. I wish he’d held my whole hand, but it worked, and I felt much better in a minute or so. I let his fingers go and said, “Thank you!” He did not say anything and walked away. It is a simple human act to me, but it may be the first time a patient has asked him to hold a hand.

 

After the PET/CT scan procedure was done, I asked the technician when I would get the results. He said not too long—that my doctor’s office would contact me when it came out, so I should wait. I wanted to make sure, so I repeated, “I do not need to call? They will call me?” He said yes.

 

Most of the test results took a few days to one week, so I was waiting. On May 10, I realized it had already been two weeks, but I had not heard from my doctor’s office. I called the hospital and found out the shocking news. The results were out on May 1 (10 days prior), but the doctor would not release them unless I made an appointment to come see him. I told them I was not instructed do so and was waiting, waiting and waiting. They also said he would be out on vacation, so I would not be able to see him till June 6. What? What did I hear now? I just could not believe what I was hearing. I needed to know the result now, so I would know what is going on.

 

They said someone would contact me to take care of the matter. I got a phone call from my oncologist’s assistant, who said the doctor could see me on May 30 instead of June 6. She would send the test result by post mail, since the record would not be online for another week. I could not believe it, but I was so exhausted with all this nonsense that I had no strength to argue.

 

I was trying to think that maybe the result was better, and that is why he did not contact me. As I wrote in the last blog, I did not think this doctor was a match for me. But I’d found only one doctor who’s had experience with this type of cancer; he is in Boston, and it was not easy for me to make a telephone appointment with him. So, I was sticking with the first doctor I had.

 

I received the PET/CT scan result by post mail, and it showed that cancer was taking almost all the liver.

I was getting weaker, day by day, and after May 10, I had so much pain throughout my liver. Every morning when I woke up, I looked at the sky and said, “Maybe I will not make it today.” But I said, “Sanae, not today! Today is for you to live!”

650 Sky & clouds

I love sky and clouds

 

Every morning when I woke up, I looked at the sky and said, “Maybe I will not make it today.” But I said, “Sanae, not today! Today is for you to live!”

 

When I had a near-fatal car crash in 2001, I felt like I might die. It is not a feeling you can explain, but you just know inside—feelings of fading away and not being able to grasp the moment of spirit here with my body on this earth. I was not really scared at that time, but I felt that I needed to choose what I want to do.

I felt that this was happening again—that I might not make it, and I have to do something.

 

I managed to celebrate Eric’s 50th birthday on the 15th. We had a quiet but great time by the ocean, our favorite place. (I had planned a big party for him at the end of the month, but it never happened, since I ended up being in the hospital.)

650 Eric & B Card 05-15-17

Eric’s 50th birthday by the beach

 

But when the next day came, I really felt that my life was coming to an end unless I find a new doctor/oncologist and act now!!!

 

I contacted good friends who could act right away and help me find a new doctor/oncologist. Two days later, the appointment for a new doctor came out of nowhere on May 19, at 1pm because the doctor had a cancellation. I was so weak, but Eric and two of my friends coordinate to take me with a wheelchair to a new oncologist’s office at 3:30 pm.

 

The oncologist explained the test result of PET/CT Scan very carefully, but directly and clearly. I felt she was a very compassionate person. When she found out I live a vegan, plant-based, macrobiotic lifestyle (no refined sugar) have not taken any medications for many years, have had no alcohol for 32 years, and do not smoke or consume coffee/caffeine, she said it means I am taking care of myself and am healthy, which is a good thing.

 

She gave me a choice of treatments. Since the cancer is so big and taking over almost all the liver, she suggested I do an aggressive, 24 hours a day five-day chemotherapy *EPOCH + Rituximab in the hospital right away.

* E – Etoposide
    P – Prednisone
    O – Oncovin (vincristine)
    C – Cyclophosphamide
    H – Hydroxydaunorubicin (doxorubicin)
    R – Rituximab

It is 24 hours a day and a long five-day treatment, but it is not big doze at one time/one day like R-Chop (cyclophosphamide, doxorubicin, vincristine, and prednisone, plus the monoclonal antibody rituximab – this was recommended by the first oncologist) so you receive treatment slowly and can monitor while you are receiving chemo to adjust the medications.

 

Eric asked what would happen if I did not do the treatment. Without hesitation, the oncologist said, “Sanae will die.”

Eric asked right a way, “How long does she have?”

The oncologist said “Weeks.”

I could hear Eric’s voice….“Not even one month?”

The oncologist confirmed: “Yes, less than one month.”

I could not see Eric’s face, but I could hear he was crying.

 

When I hear or see really scary things, I freeze and am not able to feel. I was not scared to hear I will die, but it is scary to see my love crying because I am dying. I never meant to harm him.

 

I was ready to take the treatment already, after wondering each morning whether or not I would make it. So, there was no question; I went to the hospital right away. The oncologist took care of everything, and I was admitted to UCLA Santa Monica Hospital by 5:30 pm.

 

It happened so fast, but I was feeling all right. Everything was good, even though I was not able to go back home to let my animal family know that I was going to be away for a while. I contacted them telepathically, and they all want me to get better.

 

Thank you for your prayers and continuous support.

We are grateful and invite you to help us at this time by YouCaring Fundraisng to Support Sanae’s Recovery from Cancer or purchasing our books directly from us to cover my medical expenses.

Here are our books:

Love, Sanae

Love-Sanae-front-cover

 

Love, Eric and Sanae

love-es-front-cover

 

Love, Eric Revised

love-eric-revised-the-front-cover

 

Healthy Happy Pooch

HHP-book-front-cover

 

My post mailing address for sending your card, gift or check:

2610A 23rd St.

Santa Monica, CA 90405

 

I will not be able to personally reply to each person, but I promise I will read everyone’s messages, emails, and cards.

Love, Sanae 💖

 

To be continued: My First Chemotherapy

img_sanaeflower

Hello World, Welcome to my website/blog.

I am excited to finally debut my personal website, sanaesuzuki.com (I created four different websites previously) on my birthday, April 4th 2016, which focuses on healing, happiness and what I love to share with the world.

It will be an ongoing creative process, so if you see a section that is not available, please revisit the site at a later time, or contact me at sanaehealing@gmail.com.

Do you know the story of The Rabbit and The Turtle?
I was born a turtle, but I misunderstood that I had to be a rabbit.
I realized many years later that I was not a rabbit and learned to love being a turtle. I move slowly and deliberately and need time to make decisions.

It may take time, but I am committed to completing this site, albeit at my pace.

I hope this site helps you to heal in body and mind, and find happiness in who you are.

With gratitude,

Love, Sanae❤️

650 Sanae eting lunch CR

Cancer is Back!

The oncologist said,
“You have Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma (DLBCL) Primary non-Hodgkin of Liver. It is rare cancer. I recommend that you take R-CHOP, usually with a regimen of four drugs (cyclophosphamide, doxorubicin, vincristine, and prednisone), plus the monoclonal antibody rituximab (Rituxan). This regimen is most often given in cycles three weeks apart. Because this regimen contains the drug doxorubicin, which can damage the heart, it may not be suitable for patients with heart problems, so other chemo regimens may be used instead.”

He continued: “You can be in-patient at UCLA Hospital, so nurses and specialists will take care of everything to make sure for the first time, and you will be very comfortable there. I want you to make an appointment for chemotherapy right now and make a PET/CT appointment before chemotherapy.” He also said, very casually, “You need to take a bone marrow test.”

He did not stop. He asked me, “What kind of insurance do you have?”

His assistant said, “Ms. Suzuki has only Medicare.”

He said, “Medicare? That will not cover everything.
Do you have a secondary insurance to cover the rest of the cost?”
He looked down and continued, “Then you can be just out-patient to save money, but you must find your secondary insurance ASAP.”

 

Meanwhile, I did not say much.

The doctor said to my husband, Eric, “I think your wife is upset and not saying anything.

Well, you can think with her and decide on a chemotherapy date ASAP. Today, just do a blood test.”

 

I was shocked, confused, lost, and frozen. I did not want to say anything when I was in that state, and I did not really know what to say, either. I felt that the doctor’s voice was coming from far, far away. I knew I had to speak up to let him know how I felt… time was ticking.

I said, “I am not saying much because you just told me I have a very rare cancer. Don’t you know that I am shocked right now? I don’t think I can talk much now. I need time to digest this shocking, unexpected news.”

He said, “I understand, but the sooner you make a decision to do chemotherapy, the better.”

I asked him, “Do you ever have any patients who have same cancer as mine?” He said no. I asked if there was any way for him to find an oncologist who’d done treatment for this rare cancer. He said, “My three colleagues at UCLA who are lymphoma oncologists do no have experience with any patients with this rare lymphoma—so I don’t think so.”

 

I felt like he was a businessperson. I did not want to talk to him anymore, but I also did not want to leave the room with an uncomfortable feeling. So I said, “I have one thing I want to tell you before you leave: Your website photo is not so friendly, so you might want to change it.” He first looked at me like, What is she saying, but then he realized what I was talking about. He laughed and said, “I felt the same.” I was relieved to see he was able to laugh as a human.

 

I do not remember how I came home. I was too shocked to feel anything. I felt like I was trapped in a hole and could not seem to come out for a while again.

Slowly, my mind started to work and realized how serious this is for my life, Eric’s life, our animal family’s life, friends, family, students, and clients.

 

I first felt it couldn’t be cancer! What really happened to me?
No, I do not have cancer after 24 years cancer-free…
but the reality is that I have cancer again.

 

I am sad, disappointed, lost, confused, and scared once again. Silent—inside, I am calm and positive. Storm—my surface is chaotic and full of negative and insecure thoughts. I close my eyes and focus my breathing deep inside myself. I feel and hear what my surface is saying, acknowledge the thoughts, and move to focus more on my breathing. I repeat this over and over. Sometime later, I did not feel or hear negative or insecure thoughts.

 

I am shocked to find out I have cancer again, but I know I want to live—and I will live.

I am so grateful for 24 years of cancer-free life, and I’m now making an effort to accept my new journey and learn to live preciously all over again.

650 Sanae w Eric lunch

Photo: Eric brought his delicious lunch for me.

 

I know that even though I have been eating healthy lifestyle foods, like macrobiotic and/or whole, plant-based food, I am not going to live forever. Is this my time to go to heaven? No. I feel this is not my time yet.

 

Healing is multilayered; everything from emotions and beliefs, to the physical environment, affect our state of health.

 

From Louise Hay’s book Self Healing:

650 louise-hay-quotes-forgiveness-release-resentment

 

LIVER PROBLEMS (hepatitis): Resistance to change. Fear, anger, hatred. Liver is the seat of anger and rage.

Affirmation: My mind is cleansed and free. I leave the past and move into the new. All is well.

 

CANCER: What’s eating at you? Deep hurt, secrets, or grief.
Affirmation: I lovingly forgive and release all of the past. I choose to fill my life with joy. I love and approve of myself.

 

I need to let go of the past and take care of emotional wounds. It will take a big overhaul this time.

 

I found a new oncologist whom I could to talk to about my feelings and receive human compassion. The progress of the cancer was very fast and I was getting weaker by day. Macrobioitc and natural healing was not able to heal on time so I was admitted to UCLA Hospital in Santa Monica for chemotherapy treatments now.
I feel less stress so I feel more strength to move forward mentally.

I shall keep writing when I am able to do so.

650 Sanae UCLA admitted

Photo: Admitted to UCLA with V sign…I am so Japanese!

 

650 Sanae arm exersize

Photo: My routine arm exercise with a half pound weight.

 

650 Sanae w Yoko

Photo: Feeling good day, Yoko-san came to visit!

Thank you for your prayers and continuous support.

We are grateful and invite you to help us at this time by YouCaring Fundraisng to Support Sanae’s Recovery from Cancer or purchasing our books directly from us to cover my medical expenses.

Here are our books:

Love, Sanae

Love-Sanae-front-cover

 

Love, Eric and Sanae

love-es-front-cover

 

Love, Eric Revised

love-eric-revised-the-front-cover

 

Healthy Happy Pooch

HHP-book-front-cover

 

My post post mailing address for sending your card, gift or check:

2610A 23rd St.

Santa Monica, CA 90405

 

I will not be able to personally reply to each person, but I promise I will read everyone’s messages, emails, and cards.

Love, Sanae 💖

 

To be continued: “Only Weeks To Live”